Like a Rock {A Song in Thought}

Since August, I have been in perpetual motion. I have not taken a breather, not a real one at least. Yes, being a Convention Services Manager for the third largest hotel can be quite daunting. But to face professionals 20+ years your senior, and look them in their eyes, stand up for and sometimes FIGHT for your way, can be humbling.

I learned from a sweet Little Birdie that not only was the quality of my work perceived to be slipping, but my personal capabilities were under question. In 2 months I had to flip the script on these people because I KNOW I am better than that.

"I jog in the graveyard,
Spar in the same ring.
I was housed by the building where Malcolm X was slain.

I spring train in the winter,
Round early December.
Run suicide drills over and over.

With the weight of the world on my shoulder -
that's why they call me 'Hova' -
I'm far from being God, but I work god-damned hard."

--S. Carter

All in all, I am glad to say that I have recovered as a polished professional eager to learn: as cliche as that sounds. I want to absorb and grow as much as possible, and for the first time in my life, I bit a piece of humble pie. And I must say I am all the better for it.

Literally, I was brow-beaten and weathered, and I was known to describe myself as a 'shell of the woman I used to be'. Better still, I emerge confidently and excited.

At times, I miss the random-ness of New York and especially LIC. The openness of experience and the welcoming comfort of mutual sentiment despite huge differences. Moving back to DC is certainly not for naught.

"An upside down kingdom where life is just not fair.
So many suffering 'cause deep inside they're scared.
Fear pumped into their veins to keep them from their destiny.
Where would they be if you and I don't care?"--MJB ("I Try f/ Talib Kweli)

Here, in my home, I am able to look at what 'building' this life means. I am able to look to the future, and hopefully in time engage in the present that was so miraculously apparent 212 miles to the north.

I look forward to it all though. And if nothing else, I have learned to smile through it all - at least you'll look better
:D

"Life is a beautiful struggle:
People search through the rubble for a suitable hustle.

Some people using their noodle...
Some people using their muscle...
Some people put it all together, make it fit like a puzzle.

(Come on, Say it now)
Life is a beautiful struggle:
People search through the rubble for a suitable hustle.

Some people using their noodle...
Some people using their muscle...
Some people put it all together, yeah. --T. Kweli

Modes of Therapy

Although nothing heals a wound like time, there are certain glosses one can apply. My weapons of choice, as of recently, are as follows:

DVD Therapy
- I currently own a personal DVD player. The screen is about as big as my hand is wide, but I turn off all my lights when using it, so as to obscure any visual stimuli other than that blaring from my little screen. It works. (*You can also get yourself a real DVD player, and television with which to play it...but that technically falls under Retail Therapy.)

- Get yourself a subscription to Netflix or Blockbuster online. It really is like the commercial - you have little surprises, or treats, or characters, waiting in your mailbox when you get home. I found it difficult to choose between Netflix or Blockbuster, but eventually decided upon Blockbuster.

-Starting my queue has been most exhilarating. I have everything from documentaries on the History of Western Art and films by Perdro Almodovar to The Hills/Laguna Beach series. Whatever might delight my little heart, I pursue. (*I do refuse, however, to watch any Romantic Comedies, or Romantic Dramas, or anything happy and Romantic. It's not conducive to my aura right now. And if anyone starts kissing, or loving one another, I just slip my DVD right back into its envelope, and mail the sucker right back.)

Retail Therapy
- I bought a car last week. I don't even have a license. Enough said.

- Well, one more thing: After I bought the car, I bought an I Pod.

Work Therapy
- Even though I have mentioned this before, I work pretty damn near 60-70 hours a week. I have two jobs, both of which are liable to scheduling any of the 7 days a week. More importantly, I choose to have two jobs: I enjoy what I am doing at both of them, and in actuality my tasks between the two are completely opposite. Something in me (for now) is satisfied with both environments. I sought each job whole heartedly, and wouldn't give it up for the world (or rather, the stress that may come with my schedule).

- After figuring out how to work remotely and access my work desktop at home, I can now wake up on a Sunday morning and do work! I feel like it impresses the clients I have to see an email, or room diagram, or menu sent to them at 9:00 AM Sunday morning, or in another case, 10:00 PM Saturday night. This is beneficial because it is those crucial times when I could be revelling in my state of being, but instead I can be productive.

- This type of therapy is also beneficial because it builds self. Rsther, it builds that part of self that is defined by a career. I could be sitting in my bullshit administrative position, faxing or filing or stamping or answering, with no compassion behind it. My jobs now, however, are different.


Sad to say, these three modes of operation are my glue right now - hence why I am posting about them. I appreciate how they are serving me right now, and highly recommend them to any one going through some tough shit. And you can trust me, I am a Bachelor in Psychology.....

Forever Always,
Syd Vicious

P.S. In the words of T.I.P. Harris (I forgot him, but he's my T.I.P. Therapy) -



"You can look me in my eyes [and] see I'm ready for whatever/
Anythang don't kill me, makes me better.
I ain't dead ****, you can take the fame and the cheddar/
And the game, any deal, I'm still a go-getter.
Take my freedom for the moment, but it ain't forever.
I got the spirit of a god, heart of a dope dealer.

I'm a king, seen hangin' with some cold killas.
I ain't never back down or ran from no ****.
I ain't sat down yet pimp, standing gorilla/
Even if I'm all alone or standin' with four *****.
Tell'em jump, pimpin' [cause] it don't get no real-er/
5'[2]" with the soul of a 6'4" *****.

I separated the fakes: paralyzed from the waist down/
From the real, stand up guys of the A-Town.
Can't even look me in my eyes, put your face down/
I'm outta [school] *****, what you gotta say now?"

Legend

He wants to be with everything under the sun/
He wants to be with everything under the sun/
And like a legend, who rises and unfolds, I cannot be his only one.
--Nelly Furtado, Legend

One thing about prayer is that it will be answered. Whether it is the physical manifestation of that which you desire or actual divine intervention, you will receive what you pray for.

While as of recently, my prayers have been answered in the most fortunate of ways (as in, I got what I wanted), I have tasted "Be careful what you wish for..." Consider this a prelude to my most shiteous day.

I have prayed, with every fiber of my being, to receive wisdom regarding The One. I remember the first time I prayed about him 2 years ago, on a flight back to DC from Texas. He was to pick me up from the airport, and the whole flight, I prayed for the words to speak my mind and the wisdom to decide whether or not to stay. I landed, got my baggage, called him, and nothing.

He did not pick up the phone, and eventually it stopped ringing and went straight to his voicemail. Eventually, I had to call my best friend out of her bed to pick me up.

That had to have been the first answer to my prayers.

More recently, I have prayed to work things out - I'll admit it. And I received my answer last night, over martinis, from a co-worker of mine. In order to maintain some semblance of anonymity on her behalf, I will simply say that the time she spent with him overlaps with the time that I loved him. She, merely prospecting, and I, head over damned heels, in love. Whatever the details and technicalities, I have come face-to-face with one of the women that I shared him with. And damn it if I don't have to face it every day for as long as I am employed with The Dream Job. (The irony, eh?)

While I struggled with this: how could my prayers have been answered LIKE THIS?! This is not what I asked for! I realize that this is exactly the answer I needed. There is no question for me any longer, I have the answer ten feet away from my desk. Every day. While this made for a nauseating day it will make for quite an opposite existence (in the long run).

This morning on the train to work, I realized that no matter what your heart may desire, through faith and prayer (or fervent desire) the universe will bring you what is BEST for you. It may be the most painful experience, humiliating, gut-wrenching, or bone chilling, but it is exactly what you need, if not exactly what you have asked for.

And despite it all, my prayer renewed --

I just want to say that:
I'm Thankful to have [had] you in my life.
I want to say Thank You.
I want to Thank You, for being in my life.

I want to say Thank You, I Miss You, and I Wish You
were here with me saying: 'Thank You
and I Love You for being in my life'.

I don't know/I don't know/I don't know/
What I would do, If I [hadn't had] you in my life.
In my life.

I just want to say Thank You, I Love You and I Miss You.
I just want to say Thank You, I Love You and I Miss You.
--Ashanti, Thank You

She Was Cautiously Optimistic

What a change of pace these past two weeks have been. I went from working about 20 hours a week at the gallery (for the past 2 months) to working 20 hours/2 days - 10 hour days - at The Job. But...I am not complaining.

When I decided it was time to move on from my previous position, I had a glimpse of what I wanted - and I have received it, beyond my imagination. I half-heartedly believed in the power of positive thinking/visualization, but now, with every fiber of my being, I know it's true. I have surmounted a big impasse, and know that the model of positivity can be applied in any situation with success.

It is a sigh of relief to be considered a "Mid-Level Manager" at 24 (and to have my own admin on top of that!). My first week, I realized that I (with my Team) am responsible for directing every other department in the hotel. What I am working on and communicate directly affects everything from labor scheduling to food orders. Never have I been in this position - I have been on the other end, receiving the commands and following through. I invite this change of pace, and am impressed with the responsibility.

I must say things are hectic, as I am still learning new programs, new jargon, new people and new attitudes, but it's all very very worth it. There are people at The Job that have been there for 35, 22, 15, 5 years. I admire any company that can retain employees like that. There's something to be said for giving your life to an institution (and the government doesn't count).

Admittedly, I have felt often overwhelmed in this new position. Afraid to ask too many questions or no questions at all; Intimidated by my co-workers and their bond; Flooded with worry about how I am being perceived: too young, too dumb, too smart, too pretty, too plain, too timid, too loud. In time this will pass, I am sure of it.

And...I am not complaining - rather, I am Cautiously Optimistic.

--Inspired tonight by the art of Lisa Montag Brotman



"She Was Cautiously Optimistic", original oil on canvas, L. Brotman

To Begin Again

In a rage, I deleted my blog. I was embarrassed. My feelings for him, The One, had been blown back in my face, and in a rage I attempted to eliminate all traces and records of how I had felt.

But I rather enjoyed my blog, although in all honesty, I am not sure anyone read it. Nevertheless, here I am, beginning again.

I start The Job next Monday. I cannot wait to be working 50-60 hours/week...honestly. I need to be as busy as I possibly can, and what better way than to throw myself into work. Especially at a job that I am definite will be a necessary career step. I get an office (!) and a cell phone. There was once a time when I was frightened about the career path that lay before me. I thought I was destined for administrative hell. With a resume so clerical-heavy, I was not so sure that anyone would believe in me for much more than answering the phones and organizing their files.

But this job saw through that, and believed in me. Thank God, literally. There is something to be said for timing, and I am prone to believe that circumstances occur as a mix of destiny and chance (like Forrest Gump, more to come about that later). So it was a matter of destiny mixing with chance that allowed me to return from China, muster up the courage to quit my job with The Bitch, see the posting for this position, walk into the interview and shiiine. They did tell me that ordinarily they would be looking for someone with more experience, but at this time they wanted new talent, fresh faces and ideas. This mix was perrrfect.

Being out of work was actually a blessing. I was able to tie up some legal ends, community service, classes, etc. and would definitely not have been able to do so working with The Bitch. Although I took a financial hit, the personal time was worth it. Plus I couldn't imagine sitting at that receptionist desk anymore, with Them bringing thing after thing, issue after issue, file after file to me despite what I appeared to be in the middle of. Here's to not answering the phone anymore and transferring the call. Here's to not maintaining any one's schedule but my own and organizing no one but myself. And as horrible as this sounds, I feel sorry for them in that little office on Pennsylvania Avenue. It really is a sick vortex, albeit the perfect introduction to office politics. Abre Los Ojos.

Because I deleted my original posts, I will now repost my little treasures, my secret desire, my Christian Louboutin's. They will be mine....



The Beauties in Purple Patent Leather

For every occasion: Classic Black









Make it happen,
Vicious

P.S. As promised, more on Forrest Gump. I saw this movie recently, and although it has always been a heart tug for me, something about it really touched me this time. Forrest is the ultimate person to me; maybe because he was 'stupid' and did not have the forethought nor wherewithal to reason through his actions, he truly lived. He experienced anything that landed on his heart to completion and and utter totality. He's my hero and I can only hope to live like that.

"Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away." (For my Jenny aka The One)