Like a Rock {A Song in Thought}

Since August, I have been in perpetual motion. I have not taken a breather, not a real one at least. Yes, being a Convention Services Manager for the third largest hotel can be quite daunting. But to face professionals 20+ years your senior, and look them in their eyes, stand up for and sometimes FIGHT for your way, can be humbling.

I learned from a sweet Little Birdie that not only was the quality of my work perceived to be slipping, but my personal capabilities were under question. In 2 months I had to flip the script on these people because I KNOW I am better than that.

"I jog in the graveyard,
Spar in the same ring.
I was housed by the building where Malcolm X was slain.

I spring train in the winter,
Round early December.
Run suicide drills over and over.

With the weight of the world on my shoulder -
that's why they call me 'Hova' -
I'm far from being God, but I work god-damned hard."

--S. Carter

All in all, I am glad to say that I have recovered as a polished professional eager to learn: as cliche as that sounds. I want to absorb and grow as much as possible, and for the first time in my life, I bit a piece of humble pie. And I must say I am all the better for it.

Literally, I was brow-beaten and weathered, and I was known to describe myself as a 'shell of the woman I used to be'. Better still, I emerge confidently and excited.

At times, I miss the random-ness of New York and especially LIC. The openness of experience and the welcoming comfort of mutual sentiment despite huge differences. Moving back to DC is certainly not for naught.

"An upside down kingdom where life is just not fair.
So many suffering 'cause deep inside they're scared.
Fear pumped into their veins to keep them from their destiny.
Where would they be if you and I don't care?"--MJB ("I Try f/ Talib Kweli)

Here, in my home, I am able to look at what 'building' this life means. I am able to look to the future, and hopefully in time engage in the present that was so miraculously apparent 212 miles to the north.

I look forward to it all though. And if nothing else, I have learned to smile through it all - at least you'll look better
:D

"Life is a beautiful struggle:
People search through the rubble for a suitable hustle.

Some people using their noodle...
Some people using their muscle...
Some people put it all together, make it fit like a puzzle.

(Come on, Say it now)
Life is a beautiful struggle:
People search through the rubble for a suitable hustle.

Some people using their noodle...
Some people using their muscle...
Some people put it all together, yeah. --T. Kweli

She Was Cautiously Optimistic

What a change of pace these past two weeks have been. I went from working about 20 hours a week at the gallery (for the past 2 months) to working 20 hours/2 days - 10 hour days - at The Job. But...I am not complaining.

When I decided it was time to move on from my previous position, I had a glimpse of what I wanted - and I have received it, beyond my imagination. I half-heartedly believed in the power of positive thinking/visualization, but now, with every fiber of my being, I know it's true. I have surmounted a big impasse, and know that the model of positivity can be applied in any situation with success.

It is a sigh of relief to be considered a "Mid-Level Manager" at 24 (and to have my own admin on top of that!). My first week, I realized that I (with my Team) am responsible for directing every other department in the hotel. What I am working on and communicate directly affects everything from labor scheduling to food orders. Never have I been in this position - I have been on the other end, receiving the commands and following through. I invite this change of pace, and am impressed with the responsibility.

I must say things are hectic, as I am still learning new programs, new jargon, new people and new attitudes, but it's all very very worth it. There are people at The Job that have been there for 35, 22, 15, 5 years. I admire any company that can retain employees like that. There's something to be said for giving your life to an institution (and the government doesn't count).

Admittedly, I have felt often overwhelmed in this new position. Afraid to ask too many questions or no questions at all; Intimidated by my co-workers and their bond; Flooded with worry about how I am being perceived: too young, too dumb, too smart, too pretty, too plain, too timid, too loud. In time this will pass, I am sure of it.

And...I am not complaining - rather, I am Cautiously Optimistic.

--Inspired tonight by the art of Lisa Montag Brotman



"She Was Cautiously Optimistic", original oil on canvas, L. Brotman

To Begin Again

In a rage, I deleted my blog. I was embarrassed. My feelings for him, The One, had been blown back in my face, and in a rage I attempted to eliminate all traces and records of how I had felt.

But I rather enjoyed my blog, although in all honesty, I am not sure anyone read it. Nevertheless, here I am, beginning again.

I start The Job next Monday. I cannot wait to be working 50-60 hours/week...honestly. I need to be as busy as I possibly can, and what better way than to throw myself into work. Especially at a job that I am definite will be a necessary career step. I get an office (!) and a cell phone. There was once a time when I was frightened about the career path that lay before me. I thought I was destined for administrative hell. With a resume so clerical-heavy, I was not so sure that anyone would believe in me for much more than answering the phones and organizing their files.

But this job saw through that, and believed in me. Thank God, literally. There is something to be said for timing, and I am prone to believe that circumstances occur as a mix of destiny and chance (like Forrest Gump, more to come about that later). So it was a matter of destiny mixing with chance that allowed me to return from China, muster up the courage to quit my job with The Bitch, see the posting for this position, walk into the interview and shiiine. They did tell me that ordinarily they would be looking for someone with more experience, but at this time they wanted new talent, fresh faces and ideas. This mix was perrrfect.

Being out of work was actually a blessing. I was able to tie up some legal ends, community service, classes, etc. and would definitely not have been able to do so working with The Bitch. Although I took a financial hit, the personal time was worth it. Plus I couldn't imagine sitting at that receptionist desk anymore, with Them bringing thing after thing, issue after issue, file after file to me despite what I appeared to be in the middle of. Here's to not answering the phone anymore and transferring the call. Here's to not maintaining any one's schedule but my own and organizing no one but myself. And as horrible as this sounds, I feel sorry for them in that little office on Pennsylvania Avenue. It really is a sick vortex, albeit the perfect introduction to office politics. Abre Los Ojos.

Because I deleted my original posts, I will now repost my little treasures, my secret desire, my Christian Louboutin's. They will be mine....



The Beauties in Purple Patent Leather

For every occasion: Classic Black









Make it happen,
Vicious

P.S. As promised, more on Forrest Gump. I saw this movie recently, and although it has always been a heart tug for me, something about it really touched me this time. Forrest is the ultimate person to me; maybe because he was 'stupid' and did not have the forethought nor wherewithal to reason through his actions, he truly lived. He experienced anything that landed on his heart to completion and and utter totality. He's my hero and I can only hope to live like that.

"Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away." (For my Jenny aka The One)