To Age Like a Fine Wine

As we may all have learned in Biology class, certain animals shed their skin, leaving delicate shells of their body behind. Also, as we may have been told by our elders, as you get older, people in your life will drop like flies. This may arise from a more keen sense of self and stronger dependence on self-reliance or these people who were once so close may even voluntarily slip away. Either way, in the past 6 months for the first time in my life, I have shed, not skin, but people. And just like the reptile who slithers out of the old and into the new, I don't look behind with regrets anymore.


Call it self-preservation.

One pattern or trend that has always been apparent, is the potential for grave disappointment when placing ones eggs in the hands of another. Whether those eggs hatch feelings, secrets or any other vulnerability, those people close to us are entrusted with such personal treasures. I can't afford to have another egg break on another's accord.

With no regrets I take the next step -- for fear the regret may hatch a poison to my soul. In accordance with these natural laws I must live, and one day I will see the merit. I fully anticipate my wisdom at 40 or 50, even 35 years old.

In this 26 year old frame, perhaps I do have one regret: that it has to be this way.

Until then,
SydVicious

The Haunting

{late friday, my phone rings}
{ 202-997-3*** } {that's him, i say}

The One.

---

What happens next is the disturbing part -- my palms start to leak, my stomach starts to turn with waves of nausea, sickness rising in my throat, my heart begins to beat so hard that all I can do is place my head between my legs and call the Lord's name repeatedly.*

Considering I was on the 6-11 shift at La Galeria, I knew I had to gain composure. I tried to stand up and couldn't. All I could do was continue calling His name, hand over my heart, staring blankly forward. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. What in the hell could he want from me? At once, the possibilities ran the spectrum from logical to illogical.

I answered.

Quickly, I made him aware that I was working, could not talk and would return the call after 11 PM. His simple reply, "Ok".

"Typical", I thought, and hung up.

In an attempt to gain whatever composure I could, my legs began to strengthen and I stood up. In disbelief of this physical reaction, and realizing I was still working, I threw myself into whatever busy, mind-numbing task(s) I could find, organizing frames, sweeping, whatever. This would have to be dealt with after 11 PM, after my shift. At that time, and only that time, could I fathom facing this.

Eventually, I decided not to call back. My reaction was pitiful, and I could no longer justify my sick attachment to this menace. Two days later however, I sent the elusive, intrinsically nonchalant text message. The rundown:

Me: "Is everything ok or are you calling because it's the holidays?"
Me: "It's just that it still kinda hurts..."

T.O.: "Everything is ok, just wanted to wish you and your family a safe holiday."

Me: "Please remember that we do not celebrate the holidays."

At this point, I am infuriated. Everyone that I know and has gotten to know me, knows that I do not celebrate any holidays, and neither does my family. Not only are we a small unit, we opt out for strict religious reasons. Don't think for a second that he is not aware of this, last season he pulled the same shit, to which I promptly replied with an emailed essay on "Why Christians Shouldn't Celebrate Christmas". While this may offend some readers, please understand that that was my express intention: To OFFEND.

T.O.: "I know, its just dangerous during the holidays and I wanted to make sure you were safe."

My anger rose.

Me: "We can't be friends. Please enjoy your life with your girlfriend and leave me out of it."

This is what happens every time we speak: all I think about are the new women in his life, his betrayal, my distrust, the weight and burden that I carry everyday, how quickly he was able to move on, how much I sacrificed for 'us', and how my biggest fear is that I will never get over him and may just carry this with me to the grave.

Me: "The last time we talked, you couldn't even say that 'you think about me sometimes'. You acted like it killed you to say. So please stop doing this to me."

He never replied, which is fine. In the silence, I realized that I resent him every time he pops up in my life like this. Whether it be for the holidays, or for the un-utterable fact that I crossed his mind. I repeat, I resent him when he contacts me. Not only that, but obviously, he triggers a nervous system response that certainly can't be healthy. In sum total, my words above are final. We can't be friends. Enjoy your life. And leave me out of it.

I know no other way to attempt this hurdle. Often I think, if only The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was possible. I know in the movie, the consequences of mind erasure are portrayed as dangerous, but I invite the risk. Either that or electro-shock therapy. Alas, both are not feasible in this century, so I must handle this burden in the only way I know.

I bid you farewell, my love.

Forever. Always.

---

*My symptoms were clearly akin to the sympathetic nervous systems' 'fight or flight' reflex taught in most psychology, cognition or behavioral courses. Simply put, and according to wikipedia.com, "the fight-or-flight response, also called the fright, fight or flight response, hyperarousal or the acute stress response, was first described by Walter Cannon in 1915. His theory states that animals react to threats with a general discharge of the sympathetic nervous system, priming the animal for fighting or fleeing."

Symptoms include "acceleration of heart and lung action, inhibition of stomach and intestinal action, general effect on the sphincters of the body, constriction of blood vessels in many parts of the body, liberation of nutrients for muscular action, dilation of blood vessels for muscles, inhibition of lacrimal gland (responsible for tear production) and salivation, dilation of pupil, relaxation of bladder, inhibition of erection**, auditory exclusion (loss of hearing), and tunnel vision (loss of peripheral vision)."

**This symptom was not a problem for me considering I have a vagina.

---

All at once, I finally took a moment and I'm realizing that: you're not coming back.
(And it finally hit me all at once.)
All at once, I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell, my eyes began to swell.
(And all my dreams were shattered all at once.)

Ever since I met you, you're the only love I've known.
And I cant forget you, though I must face it all alone.

All at once, I looked around and found that you were with another love, in someone elses arms.
(And all my dreams were shattered, all at once.)
All at once the smile that used to greet me brightened someone elses day. {You} took your smile away.
(And left me with just memories, all at once.)

All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely sea.
Wishing you'd come back to me.
And that's all that matters now.

Holding on to memories.
And it hurts me more than you know.
So much more than it shows.

All at once.
-- Whitney H., "All At Once", ca. 1985

---

Modes of Therapy

Although nothing heals a wound like time, there are certain glosses one can apply. My weapons of choice, as of recently, are as follows:

DVD Therapy
- I currently own a personal DVD player. The screen is about as big as my hand is wide, but I turn off all my lights when using it, so as to obscure any visual stimuli other than that blaring from my little screen. It works. (*You can also get yourself a real DVD player, and television with which to play it...but that technically falls under Retail Therapy.)

- Get yourself a subscription to Netflix or Blockbuster online. It really is like the commercial - you have little surprises, or treats, or characters, waiting in your mailbox when you get home. I found it difficult to choose between Netflix or Blockbuster, but eventually decided upon Blockbuster.

-Starting my queue has been most exhilarating. I have everything from documentaries on the History of Western Art and films by Perdro Almodovar to The Hills/Laguna Beach series. Whatever might delight my little heart, I pursue. (*I do refuse, however, to watch any Romantic Comedies, or Romantic Dramas, or anything happy and Romantic. It's not conducive to my aura right now. And if anyone starts kissing, or loving one another, I just slip my DVD right back into its envelope, and mail the sucker right back.)

Retail Therapy
- I bought a car last week. I don't even have a license. Enough said.

- Well, one more thing: After I bought the car, I bought an I Pod.

Work Therapy
- Even though I have mentioned this before, I work pretty damn near 60-70 hours a week. I have two jobs, both of which are liable to scheduling any of the 7 days a week. More importantly, I choose to have two jobs: I enjoy what I am doing at both of them, and in actuality my tasks between the two are completely opposite. Something in me (for now) is satisfied with both environments. I sought each job whole heartedly, and wouldn't give it up for the world (or rather, the stress that may come with my schedule).

- After figuring out how to work remotely and access my work desktop at home, I can now wake up on a Sunday morning and do work! I feel like it impresses the clients I have to see an email, or room diagram, or menu sent to them at 9:00 AM Sunday morning, or in another case, 10:00 PM Saturday night. This is beneficial because it is those crucial times when I could be revelling in my state of being, but instead I can be productive.

- This type of therapy is also beneficial because it builds self. Rsther, it builds that part of self that is defined by a career. I could be sitting in my bullshit administrative position, faxing or filing or stamping or answering, with no compassion behind it. My jobs now, however, are different.


Sad to say, these three modes of operation are my glue right now - hence why I am posting about them. I appreciate how they are serving me right now, and highly recommend them to any one going through some tough shit. And you can trust me, I am a Bachelor in Psychology.....

Forever Always,
Syd Vicious

P.S. In the words of T.I.P. Harris (I forgot him, but he's my T.I.P. Therapy) -



"You can look me in my eyes [and] see I'm ready for whatever/
Anythang don't kill me, makes me better.
I ain't dead ****, you can take the fame and the cheddar/
And the game, any deal, I'm still a go-getter.
Take my freedom for the moment, but it ain't forever.
I got the spirit of a god, heart of a dope dealer.

I'm a king, seen hangin' with some cold killas.
I ain't never back down or ran from no ****.
I ain't sat down yet pimp, standing gorilla/
Even if I'm all alone or standin' with four *****.
Tell'em jump, pimpin' [cause] it don't get no real-er/
5'[2]" with the soul of a 6'4" *****.

I separated the fakes: paralyzed from the waist down/
From the real, stand up guys of the A-Town.
Can't even look me in my eyes, put your face down/
I'm outta [school] *****, what you gotta say now?"

Legend

He wants to be with everything under the sun/
He wants to be with everything under the sun/
And like a legend, who rises and unfolds, I cannot be his only one.
--Nelly Furtado, Legend

One thing about prayer is that it will be answered. Whether it is the physical manifestation of that which you desire or actual divine intervention, you will receive what you pray for.

While as of recently, my prayers have been answered in the most fortunate of ways (as in, I got what I wanted), I have tasted "Be careful what you wish for..." Consider this a prelude to my most shiteous day.

I have prayed, with every fiber of my being, to receive wisdom regarding The One. I remember the first time I prayed about him 2 years ago, on a flight back to DC from Texas. He was to pick me up from the airport, and the whole flight, I prayed for the words to speak my mind and the wisdom to decide whether or not to stay. I landed, got my baggage, called him, and nothing.

He did not pick up the phone, and eventually it stopped ringing and went straight to his voicemail. Eventually, I had to call my best friend out of her bed to pick me up.

That had to have been the first answer to my prayers.

More recently, I have prayed to work things out - I'll admit it. And I received my answer last night, over martinis, from a co-worker of mine. In order to maintain some semblance of anonymity on her behalf, I will simply say that the time she spent with him overlaps with the time that I loved him. She, merely prospecting, and I, head over damned heels, in love. Whatever the details and technicalities, I have come face-to-face with one of the women that I shared him with. And damn it if I don't have to face it every day for as long as I am employed with The Dream Job. (The irony, eh?)

While I struggled with this: how could my prayers have been answered LIKE THIS?! This is not what I asked for! I realize that this is exactly the answer I needed. There is no question for me any longer, I have the answer ten feet away from my desk. Every day. While this made for a nauseating day it will make for quite an opposite existence (in the long run).

This morning on the train to work, I realized that no matter what your heart may desire, through faith and prayer (or fervent desire) the universe will bring you what is BEST for you. It may be the most painful experience, humiliating, gut-wrenching, or bone chilling, but it is exactly what you need, if not exactly what you have asked for.

And despite it all, my prayer renewed --

I just want to say that:
I'm Thankful to have [had] you in my life.
I want to say Thank You.
I want to Thank You, for being in my life.

I want to say Thank You, I Miss You, and I Wish You
were here with me saying: 'Thank You
and I Love You for being in my life'.

I don't know/I don't know/I don't know/
What I would do, If I [hadn't had] you in my life.
In my life.

I just want to say Thank You, I Love You and I Miss You.
I just want to say Thank You, I Love You and I Miss You.
--Ashanti, Thank You

To Begin Again

In a rage, I deleted my blog. I was embarrassed. My feelings for him, The One, had been blown back in my face, and in a rage I attempted to eliminate all traces and records of how I had felt.

But I rather enjoyed my blog, although in all honesty, I am not sure anyone read it. Nevertheless, here I am, beginning again.

I start The Job next Monday. I cannot wait to be working 50-60 hours/week...honestly. I need to be as busy as I possibly can, and what better way than to throw myself into work. Especially at a job that I am definite will be a necessary career step. I get an office (!) and a cell phone. There was once a time when I was frightened about the career path that lay before me. I thought I was destined for administrative hell. With a resume so clerical-heavy, I was not so sure that anyone would believe in me for much more than answering the phones and organizing their files.

But this job saw through that, and believed in me. Thank God, literally. There is something to be said for timing, and I am prone to believe that circumstances occur as a mix of destiny and chance (like Forrest Gump, more to come about that later). So it was a matter of destiny mixing with chance that allowed me to return from China, muster up the courage to quit my job with The Bitch, see the posting for this position, walk into the interview and shiiine. They did tell me that ordinarily they would be looking for someone with more experience, but at this time they wanted new talent, fresh faces and ideas. This mix was perrrfect.

Being out of work was actually a blessing. I was able to tie up some legal ends, community service, classes, etc. and would definitely not have been able to do so working with The Bitch. Although I took a financial hit, the personal time was worth it. Plus I couldn't imagine sitting at that receptionist desk anymore, with Them bringing thing after thing, issue after issue, file after file to me despite what I appeared to be in the middle of. Here's to not answering the phone anymore and transferring the call. Here's to not maintaining any one's schedule but my own and organizing no one but myself. And as horrible as this sounds, I feel sorry for them in that little office on Pennsylvania Avenue. It really is a sick vortex, albeit the perfect introduction to office politics. Abre Los Ojos.

Because I deleted my original posts, I will now repost my little treasures, my secret desire, my Christian Louboutin's. They will be mine....



The Beauties in Purple Patent Leather

For every occasion: Classic Black









Make it happen,
Vicious

P.S. As promised, more on Forrest Gump. I saw this movie recently, and although it has always been a heart tug for me, something about it really touched me this time. Forrest is the ultimate person to me; maybe because he was 'stupid' and did not have the forethought nor wherewithal to reason through his actions, he truly lived. He experienced anything that landed on his heart to completion and and utter totality. He's my hero and I can only hope to live like that.

"Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away." (For my Jenny aka The One)